Contest! Name My Tumor!

The best anyone (the missus and her friends) has come up with so far is “Timmy,” which is cute enough for around the house, but lacks both the grandiosity, absurdity and downright snarkiness it deserves.

So, the contest is open until, oh, I don’t know, further notice. And the grand prize? You can take the little fellow home in a jar of formaldehyde. Freak out generations of already terrified children or just feed it to your cat.

My loss is your gain.

Published in: on March 4, 2006 at 9:32 pm  Comments (204)  

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  1. I assume multiple entries are allowed:

    1.Aiwass (or Aiwaz “the minister of Hoor-paar-kraat,” or Horus, the god of force and fire, child of Isis and Osiris)

    2. Jibreel

    3.Wesley Willis

  2. How about “Graczak?” And, no thanks, we don’t want it. Hope the removal of your oddity goes smoothly.

  3. I think cys (pronounced “sis”) would be a perfect name, that way if you make this a habit, the next one could have a big cys or little cys to beat up on. Since you are city dwellers, you might consider adding “la” or a few apostrophes for a little dramatic resume enhancing flair.
    ps. I really want to win this contest.

  4. Patrick Stewart.

    As in, “Patrick Stewart’s in my head!”, or

    Doc:”Tom, we must remove Patrick Stewart before it’s too late.”
    Tom: “Make it so.”

  5. I suggest:

    1) Zahir
    2) Jorge Luis Borges

    Because your description of the symptoms reminds me very strongly of the Borges story about The Zahir.

    3) Zaphod Beeblebrox

    Becaues I’m reminded of his intentional separation of a portion of his mind so that he could have ultimate deniability.

    And because I’ve always wanted to name something one of the following names, I also suggest:

    4) Genghis
    5) General Tso
    6) Hobert Riddles
    7) Milagros Stammer

  6. how about “chewy”?

  7. don’t want it, but…
    Emperor Norton I

    I think that naming this tumor after America’s first and greatest emperor would honor his tenacity and general silly buggery along with a sense of grandeur.

  8. I’m gonna go with “Glurk,” the hangdog space alien with male/female genitalia in the great Lonely Planet sketch. Just cause I like the way he says, “That’s cool” and it sounds like something a benign tumor would say.

  9. Ordog the Slumbering Neoplasic.

  10. I am going with “Yorick”.

    Then you can hold it up and go to town:

    Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow
    of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy:

  11. Ethelred the Unready

    but that’s my answer to everything :)

  12. How about “Tumayenmihd”?
    “Tommy Lee”

  13. Lloyd Lindsay Young?

  14. Tomur the Tumor, formally of Tom’s head

  15. ala Fight Club;

    “I am Tom’s brain tumor”

  16. Lord Boomer D’Tumour

  17. what about Tiberius, after William Tiberius Kirk?
    He was gradiose, over the top and made of ham. Of course your tumor isn’t made of ham, but it’s about as useful.

    Space the final frontier…..

  18. As a neuro-oncologist, I’ve grappled with these beasts before, but have never quite given too much thought to naming a tumor, so I appreciate your contest! Here’s what I’ve come up with:

    1. Dora: Yes, it’s a feminine name, but bear with me. It’s a play on “dura” which is one of the meninges, or layers covering the brain, where your tumor initiated.

    2. Neo: It’s chic, it’s very Matrix-y, and it’s short for neoplasm (or neoplastic, if you’d like).

    3. Harvey: After Harvey Cushing, the historic neurosurgeon.

    Best of luck, sincerely, with the surgery!

  19. Marla

  20. John Kimble

    “It’s not a tumahhh!”

  21. Tumor Cruise.

  22. how about

    1) Hot Lunch


    2) Oprah

  23. When my brain tumor was diagnosed, I closed my eyes and asked it its name. And it told me (Phil Vincent). I think you should ask it and see what it says.

  24. Walter



  25. Name it Waldo. As in,”Where is Waldo?”
    Here’s Waldo! I’ve found him! Alas!!

    Who’s coming for dinner, honey?

    Waldo. Really.

    And by the way, gross, I do not want your tumor. Have it bronzed and hang it from your rearview mirror.

  26. I’d good with…

    1. Benedict the Mild

    2. The Hulk

    3. iQx2

  27. Potus

    Secret Service acronym for President of the United States. (Please insert your own quip about the tumor currently in the White House.)

    Be well!

  28. I’d go with…

    1. Benedict the Mild

    2. The Hulk

    3. iQx2

  29. This one’s a no-brainer. Kuato, the mutant twin from Total Recall.

  30. Also try “Sex.”

  31. After reading your blog entry on the symptoms, I suggest the name Merely.

  32. Verissimus Simmons III

  33. MooP, after our Forum mascot. If you ever read our stuff, you’d agree we’re all a bunch of tumors.

  34. Laika, the first dog sent to space, from Russia. It was sent up with poisoned food to kill it just in case the space didn’t. The dog did die from overheating.

  35. hey i’m glad you are getting rid of that “tomor”,

    may you recover soon


  36. My entry is Dimbleby.

    In honor of the movie How to Get Ahead in Advertising, in which a shoulder tumor sprouts eyes and a mouth and starts over the body of an advertising executive at a cross roads over his legacy

  37. John Malkovich. As in, “It’s my head!”

  38. Roberto Benigni

  39. Mr. Swelly

  40. […] Blogger with brain tumor is holding a contest to name the little bugger. Winner gets to take it home after he gets it removed. […]

  41. “Boomer The Tumor”

    “The Huck Finn Raft Episode”

    “The Great Green Jumping Frog Of Caliveras County”

    “My Digested Twin”


  42. You’ll find your own name for it, but it will be more along the lines of “that M*F* G*D* lump of cells that destroyed my life.”

  43. Conrad

  44. Zebediah

  45. 1. Lady Higgenbottom

    2. Inspector Frommage

    3. Loki

    4. Zarathustra

  46. Tom

    Since it’s golf-ball sized, I suggest you call it “Titleist” or “Maxfli.”

    Big ups for the “Graczak” suggestion, though…

    Wishing you the best, buddy.


  47. Meet Pistulio! The hypnotic tumoRRR!!!!
    That’s my vote for the the little fellas name.

    Zim: I laugh at your pitiful attempt at spying! Here I go. [Zim laughs]
    Dib: Go ahead! Laugh! But one day, you’ll be sitting in your house feeling all safe and secure, and then you’ll look over and I’ll be there, doin’ stuff!
    Zim: Stuff?! In my home?! Never! You’d have to find some kind of flaw in my security net! Since that could never possibly happen, you’ll have to do your ‘stuff’ elsewhere! You haven’t discovered some kind of a flaw, have you?
    [Zim is outside his home when a Bloaty’s Pizza Hog Delivery Boy walks to the door.]
    Bloaty’s Delivery Boy: Hey! [rings the doorbell] Hey! Here’s the pizza you ordered!
    GIR: [his eyes water] Thank you… I… I love you…
    [The delivery boy leaves, Zim confronts GIR.]
    Zim: GIR! We fend humans away from our home, not invite them over!
    GIR: I had a coupon!
    Zim: Why was there BACON IN THE SOAP?!
    GIR: I made it myself!!!
    GIR: I’m dancin’ like a monkey!
    Zim: Pustulio demands your attention!
    [The Skool children all look at Zim and his hypnotic pimple, Pustulio. They all become hypnotized and fall off the monkey bars.]
    Hypnotized Child 1: I’m in pain.
    Hypnotized Child 2: It is as Pustulio wishes.
    Hypnotized Child 3: Does Pustulio wish for me to pop my spine back into place?
    Zim: Yes, very well.
    Dib: You can’t make me look! I’ll just shut my eyes! [closes his eyes]
    Zim: Oh, you’ll open them. You have to breathe sometime.
    Dib: NO! I… Wait… What do eyes have to do with breathing?
    [Dib opens his eyes and get hypnotized.]
    Zim: I’ll let you hold Pustulio’s little hand.

    Cheers, M. Goff

  48. “Athena Ngoc” a greek goddess who burst out of her father’s head, fully formed, and the vietnamese word for precious stone.

    i’ll decide if i actually want the thing if i win. (can i get it rigged up so it glows green, you think?)

  49. For whatever reason, “Clem” is the only name that leaps to mind.

  50. Reading over the suggestions so far, I think the best of the lot is “Dora”, for the simple reason that it’s short and a reasonably obscure pun. “Clem” gets points for homespun affability, but doesn’t have much in the “zing” department. I suggest:

    1. The Alien Transmitter
    2. Uma (close to “-oma”, and “Oprah” has aleady been suggested.
    3. Fluffy

    Good luck!

  51. I suggest you name it Renaldo.

  52. I suggest you name it Renaldo.

  53. Sir Crispin Farthingshire

  54. Wilson or Spalding.

  55. the phrase

    I would call it the phrase. You could capitolize it, call it The Phrase. It sounds like you already have been calling it the phrase for a long time now, why stop calling it the phrase now that you know what it is?

  56. Mr. Bigglesworthy

  57. I’m thinkin’ “Georgia”

    It alludes to the large size and you have a built in theme song, “Georgia on my mind”

    Good luck!

    If I win, I think I’d rather have you attach a photo of me to your tumor and launch it into space. Is that an option?

  58. George Bush.

  59. my wife had a cyst and we called it Gloria. it was a nice name and it was useful to be able to discuss the cyst without using the word ‘cyst’. anyway, the cyst is gone and we are not using the name anymore. you are welcome to have it for your tumor. i ask for nothing in exchange.

    ps. i haven’t yet discussed this with my wife (and it was her cyst).

  60. Sir Cuddle Wuggums the Third

  61. capitAlize

  62. How about doing some good and adding some mindshare to the ITMFA


  63. er, that cut off the rest of my post…by naming it Impeach, or Impeachment, or The Upcoming and Necessary Impeachment of George W. Bush?

  64. Percy. Short and sweet. Hopefully just like the surgery.

  65. Sid. Sid(not so very)Vicious.

  66. Doctor Orlack.

  67. Frank.

  68. When I was in high school I had a cyst on my ovary that we named Boobaka Badula Beuford. I would love for my cyst to have a little brother – maybe Cleetus Carmine Beuford?

  69. In my best “Ahnald” accent from Kindergarten Cop…

    name it…”It’s not a Tuma”

  70. My suggestion: Neo
    “Neoplasm” is the medical term for a tumor.

  71. Brian.

    Brian Tumor.

  72. While pregnant we found a website listing the “best” Mormon names. Our faves were:

    1. Tugdick for a boy
    2. K8 for a girl *we think that’s pronounced Kate*

    My mom thought that Tugdick’s middle name should be “Shitim”, a nice biblical name.

    PS Our son’s name is none of the above!

  73. Why not Hillaory

  74. Mordac

    He’s the evil-hearted director of Information Services for Dilbert’s company. He believes his mission is to make it as difficult as possible for employees to use their computers or the network. Sounds like a tumor to me.

  75. OR
    Phil, The Prince of Insufficient Light

    Ruler of Heck (for sinners whose transgressions aren’t serious enough for Hell). He pops up about once a year to impose mild sanctions for mild sins. For example, once he punished Dilbert by making him eat lunch with the accountants.

  76. My vote is for “Bud” or “Spud”.
    Good Luck and Good Health to you….

  77. “Tom’s Brain Hat”

  78. How about:

    Caesar Dysplasia

  79. How about Flavius? Ernesto?

  80. How about “Cherry Garcia” or “CookiePuss”

  81. “Jumpin’ Jim Brunzell”

  82. I suggest “The Blob”, and no thanks, I don’t want it either…..
    Have a great recovery, good health and long life.

  83. Julius Seizure

  84. How about Mergatroid?

  85. Chip. When it comes out, you’ll be free of its control. And Guam will no longer be able to track you, via your tumor. That’s good, no?

  86. Name that tumor? How about Agent Smith?
    Or possibly Conan the Destroyer.

  87. how bout lumpy

  88. GOD DAMN IT MAN, NAME IT AFTER ME! I’ve been categorized as a “cancerous growth” for YEARS! Might as well make it official!

  89. by the way i gave the lumpy one

  90. I like either Baltazar or Cerberus.

  91. I agree with the beef… lumpy sounds appropriate… or perhaps Lumptavious!


  93. Either Chunky, or Coma Bud would be good

  94. I have the perfect name for your tumor. Give this serious consideration. As you learn more about the name, you will grow to see how appropriate it is – grow just like your tumor.

    Here is my strong suggestion:

    — Horseonovich —

    Why, you may ask, should you name your tumor Horseonovich…what is a Horseonovich? Let me tell you. I am Horseonovich. Yes, that is my name, Tom Horseonovich Colligan. But as a noun, a Horseonovich is a very special thing. A Horseonovich is something hard to define, but it has some specific characteristics:


    As you can see, Horseonovich is an ideal name for your lump. Please google Horseonovich for more information.


  95. Mr T.

    Enough said

  96. Tumor Raider

  97. I vote for Humma Kavula. Because i know how to vote for the smarter of the tumors.

  98. Ok… After reading them all… I think

    On March 16, 2006 at 5:39 pm Zang Said: |Edit This


    says it all

  99. Luntnut

    If I win, I’ll donate the tumor to the biology department of the college in which I work.

    Best wishes to you on your surgery. God bless!

  100. If I had a tumor I’d name it Marla…

    That sore on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you would stop tonguing it.. But you can’t.

  101. How bout “KRULL”

  102. How about “Itsnota” — so you can say Itsnota Tumor.

    Or Hillary Clinton

  103. How about Kenneth…

    As in “what’s the frequency Kenneth?”

  104. Maybe the tumor goes through life, known by thousands of people, and yet no one actually knows what his name is. Everyone pretends to know his name, but conversations turn awkward and difficult because no one actually does.

    Or, it can be the Bob Denver to your Alan Hale Jr., and you can simply call it “Little Buddy”, and pat it on the shoulder.

  105. Name it Killer!

  106. Name it Grants.

  107. Either “Glort”, as in “”Gort, Klaatu barada nikto”…

    or “Scooter”.

  108. Fluffy. Nuff said.

  109. Bevo.

  110. Abercromby Theotis Bartholomew

  111. Just call it “Bob”

  112. I heard a funny rumor
    You sought to name a tumor
    To observe it out
    without a doubt
    You just gotta call it “Boomer”

  113. With apologies to J.R.R. Tolkien, how about “Gollum”? A nasty little creature.

  114. Mort

  115. How about Slagathor…

  116. Louis XIV he had one he lost his tumor as well.

  117. Furt, the goblin in “Magic the Gathering” that keeps getting killed on the cards flavor text.

  118. How about “Spam”

  119. Name it Maximus the Tumorous.

  120. how about “PoPa”, pronounced “poppa”

    as in…”What do you call ‘Pimple ‘On a ‘Polacks ‘Ass?” answer? Brain tumor…..

    oldest braintumor joke I know…..

  121. Hedley Lamarr

    As in “That’s Hedley!”

  122. Lorenzo

  123. How about GizMo!

  124. I suggest one of the following…

    Frank Rizzo

    Fifi Trixiebell

    Sal Rosenberg

    Jack Torse

    William Rivers Pitt or WillPitt


  125. How bout Trogdor? As in Trogdor the Burninator… He burns down thatch roof cottages…

  126. “Brain Fungus”. Not necessarily a formal name but very descriptive.

    SPAGHETTI (A GREAT NAME FOR ANYTHING, and it tates good!)

  128. 1. Theodore Kennedy
    2. John F. Kerry
    3. Hillary

    Those are the first things that come to mind when I think of cancerous tumors. Or you could just call it “Liberal”.

  129. Long Duck Dong

  130. “The voices” or “the voice” or “the voice of reason”…as in, “I had the voice of reason removed from my brain”, or “doctor, would you please remove the voices from my head.”

  131. Hmmm… this IS a toughie! (By the way, I got the link in, of all things, a techie forum. :shrug: )

    My tumor was at the base of my spine, so it’s name was “Brain Tumor” (With the associated mandatory jokes surrounding my Brain Surgery and Asphault), but location won’t work as well for yours as a source of humor.

    How about something that will set you apart and cause envy among your buddies? You’re into music, I’m sure your friends are, too.

    Name your Tumor “Song”.

    That way, of course, you’ll be the envy of your friends as being the first person to REALLY get that Song out of your head.

  132. How about Dick? As in “little head”. Guys always think with their little head

  133. The artist formerly known as brain
    Lisa Lobe
    Mungo Jerry

    When all else fails, call it Carl.

  134. Skeeter. That’s even better than Bubba.

  135. Jamal Sholem McGuiness

  136. Jezebel, Ronald, Woody, Scooter?

  137. […] Tom Lunt (I wrote about his Numero Group label here) has been diagnosed with a brain tumor. He has also started a contest on his blog to give it a name. The winner of the contest gets the tumor in a jar of formaldehyde. Some of the entries so far include Boomer the Tumor, Sir Crispin Farthingshire, Tumor Raider, Brian Tumor and Timmy. Tom suggested my favorite one so far: Topsy, because “she ‘jes grew.” All of the FJ staff wish Tom a quick recovery.-MJS […]

  138. Voldimort

  139. Dennis.
    It’s a nice name.
    President Nixon has a hedgehog named Dennis.

  140. Tinsdale

  141. There’s only one name for it.

    The “Tumornator”.

    Hasta La Vista…. baby.

    It’ll be back.

  142. How about Peeve? Keep it (I sure don’t want it) in a jar and when friends come over, introduce it as your pet peeve.

    Or keep it in a jar by the door, and call it Eleanor Rigby.

  143. how about calling it hillary clinton?
    you’ll be glad when it is finally gone.

  144. Boo Boo

  145. How about Pinky? As in Pinky and the Brain.

  146. How about,
    “Skulldiggery” or would that be better utilized on your neuro-surgeon?
    Good luck, hope all goes well. You seem to have a great attitude, and that’s half the battle.

  147. Hi,

    I have a tumor too!

    I’ve named it “Dubya”. You can have that name too if it inspires you.

  148. I propose…


  149. The President.

    Distinquished sound. Important. And, it doesn’t matter what party anyone belongs to because you will be referring to The President that has been causing you headaches for a long time (probably) and that has nothing to do with any particular political entity.

    Good Luck with the Removal of The President.

  150. Lumpy is excellent, “The Lumpster” introduces more familiarity.

    So there you are, “The Lumpster”.

  151. Ishmael or moby grape maybe.

  152. Romut

  153. How about Mulva(Seinfeld reference). Good luck w/whatever you decide to name it. Just kick its @$$.

  154. Only possible name fitting the critter is….


    And, when the critter is gone, you can play that 1970’s song; Freddy’s Dead!!!!!!

  155. tiberius sounds really good. or simply “Q”, you know for the ‘god’ on star trek. all you wanted to do is be rid of him. good luck.

  156. THUMPER!

  157. 1. Larry

    2. Spock

    3. Saurumon

    4. Joshua

  158. I vote that you name it Nokia.

    For obvious reasons :)

    Good luck with whatever happens.

  159. How about Hillary.

    It is something that you have to get rid of or who knows what will happen if it hangs on.

  160. How about “DEMOROID” As in democrat and hemorrhoid.Their
    both a pain in the ass and both can get in your head
    if your not careful.

  161. How about ( Buster Craneo ) I alwasy thought this would be a good name for a hispanic pro wrestler , but this could work for you. Buster of course a play
    on an old name for our purpose “one who breaks”
    and Craneo ” spanish for skull ” What do you think ?

  162. Chuck.

  163. Rob Roy Fingerhead

  164. Ozzy

  165. Can there be another choice? It has to be named “Hillary”.

  166. What about Ron? Or Sebastian (the crab from the little mermaid?)

    Thor, perhaps?

  167. Ok….here goes

    Mr. Klingon Drain Bamage

    Olga Von Onnanugget

    Mario Inacabasa

    Slithero Fleshchunk

    Ok…Im worried about myself now

    Good luck on the surgery

  168. Allister Zein Schplechmann;
    “Al” for short.

    Best of luck.

  169. How about a classic?

    “my uninvited guest”

    Which hopefully will soon leave and take his issues with him.

    Good luck!

  170. Pff, this is easy. You can say you were the only man to ever defeat Chuck Norris if you name it after him.

  171. Romut,

    to reverse the effects……..

  172. Several have suggested Hillary Clinton. How about the other NY senator: Chuck Schumer

  173. “Budget” because some one needs to cut out the budget.

    “For Dinner” or “To Eat” so when I own it and someone asks…”What’s For Dinner” I can bring out the bottle and say “A Brain Tumor”. :-)

    “Blog”, so everyone can see your “Blog”.

  174. Looking at anagram’s for Tom Lunt’s Tumor:
    6-letter words
    lottos, morons, motmot, motors, mottos, moults, mounts, mourns, mouton, mutons, mutton, ormolu, outrun, runout, stolon, strunt, summon, torous, trouts, tumors, tumour, tumult, tutors, unmoor, unroot, utmost

    7-letter words
    lustrum, motmots, moutons, muttons, nostrum, ormolus, outmost, outruns, outtrot, outturn, runouts, sunroom, surtout, tumours, tumults, turnout, unmoors, unroots

    8-letter words
    outstunt, outtrots, outturns, surmount, tortuous, tumorous, turnouts

    Of these I like “Mutton”

  175. Jon,
    Dennis is not enough. Try Dennis the Menace.

  176. Considering it’s an unwanted round thing…
    Pearl? hmm, or maybe Perl…

    For no appearent reason
    Eric the Red?
    Tee Time?
    Writer’s Blob? (in honor of the symptoms…)
    Junior Editor?
    Brain Plug? (in honor of some of the screeching you must be hearing @ SxSW)

  177. Spike or Max. “William” Tiberius Kirk??? Doesn’t have the same ring to it as “Jim” does. “Damn it, William, I’m a doctor not a busboy”??? I don’t think so.

  178. Floyd the Barber!

  179. Elliott.

    I also like Bob.

  180. Skippy.



  181. I’m in this for the “goodies”; I’d love to take it home. Following a few of the Star Trek references, how about:
    B-Nine (like seven-of-nine), in thankful honor of its nature (“be-nign”)

  182. you know what… or

    “the tumor that shall not me named”

  183. Whoops typeo…. SORRY

    you know what… or

    “the tumor that shall not be named”

  184. Head Cheese

  185. Mini Me

  186. Michael Jackson

  187. Name it “The Part I Use”

    As in, “Yes, I had the part I use removed..”

    no interest in winning the goody in the jar. good luck, and best wishes

  188. I suggest you name him Steve.

  189. Spiny Norman.
    If you have to google it, skip it.

    On reading the other entries, I like
    Zaphod, and
    My President

  190. Sorry guys… the best one so far is still Marla Singer.

    Jack: If I had a tumor, I’d name it marla…
    Marla… the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it, but you can’t.

    Tyler Durden: She’s a predator posing as a house pet.

  191. This is so obvious, I’m almost (but not quite) embarassed: Beatle Bob

    Get well soon!

  192. Meatloaf

    Good luck to you there, buddy.

  193. How ’bout Thaddeus?

    Or Alfonse?

  194. My suggestion is Saint Vitus.

  195. Pope

    Gorilla Monster

    Lt. Albatros

    Colonal Trufflebottom

    Thurmond Tumor

    Trevor Tenacious

    Walter Frankenberry, D.D.S.

  196. How about Pushy? as it is pushing on your brain.
    or Phrasin in the Sun (I know it’s long, but perhaps your tumor is Native American)

  197. PS Good luck with the surgery.
    I hope you heal quickly and get all the good drugs.

  198. Hi I’m from the BBC in the UK and I’m trying to contact Tom could he give me a call please? 0 11 44 121 567 6715 or email me.



  199. I’m curious. How are you doing these days? Let your fans know!

  200. I thought President Nixons hedgehog was named Frank.

  201. […] It has been a while since I’ve mentioned how much I love the serendipitous nature of the Internet. The fact that by following threads here or links there, I can find so many items of interest is a never-ending source of amusement. Quite some number of months ago, I came across the weblog of Tom Lunt. Tom, if you recall, had been diagnosed with a brain tumor – a meningioma – and was scheduled to have surgery. Instead of lamenting the fact that he had to undergo an operation, instead of worrying away the hours, he turned his situation in to a contest. The “Name My Tumor” contest. […]

  202. How about “Headroid.”

  203. So who ended up winning? And did anyone claim the prize? ;)

  204. The winner was a musician in LA who will recieve the revised prize* on my next trip to the coast.

    The winners are at the post, “And the winners are…”

    *once they take your tumor away, it’s not legal to get it back – so I discovered too late. So I offered a framed, autographed photo of the little bugger instead.

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